The Secret Class
by Azamiko
Summary: Naruto and Sasuke teach Defense Against the Dark Arts for a month. Fear for the Hogwarts kids. CRACK! Possible shounenai, torture, and all that other good stuff.
1. Chapter 1

I've been thinking of crossover ideas since reading the HARRY POTTER CRACK FICLETS. Read them; they're on my list of favorites for a reason.

FANfiction, okay?

* * *

In a dark room in the dungeon of a magical castle, a roomful of teenagers stared dubiously at the two men standing in front of the room.

"Guest…lecturers?" Hermoine Granger was used to odd things happening by now, one couldn't be a wizard, or be friends with Harry Potter for that matter, without odd things happening. But this, this was almost too strange.

For one thing, the two men, one pale with pitch-dark hair and ghostly pale skin and the other blond, tan, and grinning almost maniacally, were not wizards. Even if it hadn't been obvious by their clothes--the dark haired man wore all black, but the crazy one had on bright orange baggy pants with a matching jacket--the way the blond man called their wands 'chakra sticks' was a big clue.

"Yes. Your headmaster thought that you could use a…different perspective on the dark arts." Hermoine noticed some of the girls sighing over the man's deep, calm voice. True, it was very pleasant, but she could not make herself quite trust people who came out of nowhere and cheerfully asked students who'd ever been tortured.

"Oi, oi! Don't ignore me! I want to see some hands raised!" The girl directed her wide-eyed gaze back at the louder man. His voice certainly didn't make the girls sigh, even if he was rather cute, his previous question had put even the silliest girls on edge.

The dark-haired man sighed. "Introduce yourself before scaring them, baka." He casually slapped the back of his compatriot's head, hard enough for even Harry and Ron to hear it from the back of the room, where they'd hoped to nap away the teacher-less class.

"Teme! I didn't hear you introducing yourself!" Hermoine sighed as the blond man stuck out his tongue before turning back to the bemused class.

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki, Konoha ninja! I like ramen and toads, and I'm going to be Hokage someday! Now, I hope you brats are ready for some hard work, because Sasuke-teme and I are here for the next month! And don't think we're gonna go easy on you because you aren't ninja! And--Ow! Sasuke-teme!"

Sasuke lowered his hand again. His glare made it obvious that he did _not_ want to be there. Hermoine wondered if teaching them was some sort of chore or punishment.

"They don't know what you're talking about, dobe. I'm Sasuke Uchiha, Konoha ninja. Our village leader sent us here on this _stupid_ mission at the request of your Headmaster."

Naruto pouted for a moment before grinning again.

"Don't mind Sasuke-teme. He hates it when our missions don't include a lot of action."

Sasuke snorted. "No, dobe, that's you. I just don't see why we had to be sent half-way around the world to baby-sit some brats who couldn't even scratch Konohamaru."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Well, believe it or not, teme, not everyone knows a thousand ways to kill someone barehanded, like you do. There are such things as _non-ninja_."

If Hermoine hadn't known better, she would have sworn that their eyes--both men's eyes--had turned red for a moment when they turned back to the class. And were Naruto's teeth a little sharper than they had been before?

"That's why they sent _us._"

* * *

"So, again, I'll ask, and I'd like an answer this time. Who here has ever been tortured?" Naruto kept his cheerful smile on his face, knowing that it made the children even more nervous. Of course, he wasn't much older than them, but still, to him, they were children.

His eyebrow went up when he noticed two boys arguing quietly at the back of the room. He met Sasuke's eye, and without a word, the other man was standing with a hand on the shoulder of the suddenly pale boys.

"Problem boys?" Naruto nearly giggled at the terrified face of the red-haired boy. The other one was scared, too, but he held it in better. His eyes actually met Naruto's for a moment. Good for him.

"I've…I've had a curse spell put on me."

Now that definitely surprised Naruto. He knew that they were there to prepare the children for some crazy-evil dude who'd somehow come back from the dead. But he'd thought that their world was pretty peaceful before recently.

"What was it called? What did it do?"

"U-um." Ah, now the boy was looking truly terrified. His eyes danced around the room, landing briefly on the girl who'd spoken earlier. She nodded, and Sasuke met Naruto's eyes again. Interesting. The girl at the front of the class was good friends with the boys at the back, one of whom had been tortured.

Strangely, it was Sasuke who took pity on the boy.

"Physical pain?" The boy nodded gratefully to the man looming over his shoulder.

"How long were you under it? A few minutes?" Again, a nod.

"Was it meant to kill you?"

The rest of the class was silent. Naruto mentally noted who was horrified, who was skeptical, and who was smug. Not hard to figure out the politics in this classroom.

He laughed, drawing the attention away from the boy, hoping that he'd use the time to contain himself.

"Okay, so, I'm guessing that everyone here--except Sasuke-teme and me, of course--knows what this jutsu was, right?" He glanced at the girl, noticing for the first time just how much hair she had. She nodded looking serious, but un-frightened. Huh. He'd have to work on that.

"So, who wants to cast it on me?"

* * *

Harry felt his eyes widen as he stared, practically petrified, at the crazy man in the front of the classroom. He felt coolness on his shoulder, but didn't think about it until he realized that the man who'd been holding it just a moment ago was now on the other side of the classroom. Again.

"Come on, you won't get in trouble!"

"Dobe, you're such a masochist." The entire class held its breath as Naruto giggled. Harry swallowed, these two were mad. It was the only explanation.

Sasuke glanced over the room, breezing past Harry before landing on…Neville. Blue eyes followed black as Naruto joined the other man in staring at the nervous boy.

Without taking his eyes off of Neville, Naruto spoke to the entire class.

"Nothing we do here is ever going to be mentioned to anyone outside this room." Harry gulped again. Was this cheerful-looking man actually threatening a bunch of student?

"That means that no matter what you do, you are not going to be punished for it. After all, this is training, practice for real combat. Even if you do something illegal, if we tell you to do it, it's not your fault." Something about his tone felt…off. Harry wondered what it was; his words certainly sounded convincing.

"That's not true. I'm still the one doing it, aren't I?" Harry stared at Neville. Why could the other boy see so easily what Harry hadn't been able to understand? The class waited to see the blonde's rebuttal.

"That's true. Good. You're already taking responsibility, which is better than some brats I know. How about this one?"

Harry didn't have time to jump up before a strange looking knife was pointed at his friend's throat, courtesy of the dark-haired ninja.

"Neville!" Hermoine sounded almost panicked. Of course, she, Ron, and Harry were probably the only ones in the classroom who weren't going to have nightmares about this class already.

"Cast it on me, or he'll slit your throat." The smile on Naruto's face never wavered.

"Leave him alone!" As sick as Harry felt, at least his voice came out strong. Ron had his wand in his hand, and his eyes flickered from Hermoine, to Neville and the weird knife, and to Harry.

* * *

Sasuke didn't even look at the boy who's neck was decorated by his kunai. He knew what Naruto was planning, as he always had, but he wasn't sure that the three kids who were now standing up would allow it.

"Look, all he has to do is cast that spell or whatever on me. Then, Sasuke will let him go; it's not hard, is it?" Sasuke wondered how many of these kids really understood Neville's hesitance, even at the risk of his own life.

He could feel the tension in the boy, knew that the boy who's life he held in his hand had felt the effects of this curse, perhaps even more than the boy who'd had it cast upon him.

"Dobe." Sasuke wasn't sure what he was asking. Perhaps he felt a bit sorry for the boy, as he had a few moments before with the other one. It wasn't that he empathized with their horror for torture; as a ninja, he'd been trained to withstand and understand different types of torture. However, even he had trouble keeping up with Naruto when the other man was in a crazy mood. Most of the time it lead to binge-eating, pranks, and pouting. Sometimes, however, the kyuubi-container felt the need to face his own mortality, to do something dangerous. And, as his closest companion, Sasuke was often dragged into such endeavors.

Naruto sighed, letting go of the smile for a moment. "Look, it's really alright. We've been trained to withstand this sort of thing."

"In other words, he's just proving how tough he thinks he is." Sasuke clarified dryly.

"Do it and get it over with. He's as thick as a rock when he wants to get his own way."

Harry, Ron, and Hermoine watched suspiciously as Neville nodded. In a moment, it was done, and their eyes flashed to Naruto, almost as quickly as Sasuke had moved to the other man's side.

The blonde's face was pale, and the scars on it seemed to darken and thicken. His hair stood up, even as he dropped to the ground, leaning against the damp stone wall. His eyes were definitely red now, Hermoine noticed, and slit like a cats. Harry and Ron were too busy staring at the fangs and claws to even bother with something as menial as the color of his eyes.

Neville rushed from his desk, already releasing the curse, frantically babbling that he was sorry, but _he'd said_ to. The room filled with scrapes and squeaks as the rest of the class stood up and rushed to the front of the room. They backed away quickly, however, when Naruto stood, no _bounced_ up, as easily as if he'd been sitting down at a picnic.

"See? No worries!" Naruto patted the stunned Neville's back. The boy was so surprised, he forgot to be scared .

Sasuke rolled his eyes and stepped back from the friend he'd been concerned about for, oh, about thirty seconds. It figured that the dobe was just being dramatic.

"Well, that was interesting! Hey, Sasuke, do you want to try?"

"Dobe. You've scared them enough for one day. And that's just your face."

Naruto growled, which suited him uncomfortably well, Hermoine thought, before jumping onto his friend.

"Teme! Take that back! Nothing's as scary as your face!"

"Hn, keep telling yourself that, dobe. But I'm not the one who's been turned down by the same girl over a hundred times." Sasuke smirked, noting that the students were finally beginning to relax as they watched the verbal spar between their temporary teachers.

"Just you wait! Sakura-chan will go out with me!" Naruto scowled, which almost made Hermoine laugh. It just looked so unnatural on his friendly face.

"Baka. She's _engaged_ to Lee. Or have you forgotten? Your memory is terrible." Now the students were sitting back down; even Neville looked interested in the back-and-forth between the men. Sasuke sighed inwardly. As much of an idiot as Naruto could be, he also had the strange ability to make people trust him. Actually, perhaps the two weren't as unrelated as it might seem…

"Of course I didn't forget! I meant that she'd go out with me if it weren't for the fact that she has Lee now!" Even Naruto didn't believe his own cover story. "Besides, you've never dated anyone either!"

"That was not for lack of trying, dobe."

"Ha!"

"On their part, moron. I had to beat them off with a stick. Literally."

"Teme…"

At this point, Ron could no longer control himself; he burst out laughing, leaning against Hermoine's desk as if he could barely stand. After what the ninja had put them through just a few minutes earlier, it might have seemed odd that the students were now so willing to laugh around them. However, Sasuke realized--and he thought that the girl did as well--that most of the students instinctively understood what had happened.

He and Naruto were there to teach them how to deal with the horrors that they would soon face, and the lessons had begun immediately. If they could understand, without thought, when it was time to fear, and when it was time to laugh, then they might be alright.

Sasuke smirked, waiting for his students to quiet down before speaking.

"We don't know magic, at least, not the type you use, so we're not going to teach you spells and counter-curses. However, we will be teaching you 'Defense Against the Dark Arts' for the next month. Our methods of teaching do not have to meet with the approval of your Headmaster, or your parents."

The students looked nervous, but it was no longer real fear. Good. They had finally realized that the two men in front of them were here to help. Naruto continued where Sasuke had left off.

"We'll be harsh, and we expect the same from you. We're not much older than you, but different life experiences have prepared us for different things. We are going to scare you, but we are not your enemies. Whatever happens during this class stays between us. It's our secret, got it?"

As one, the students nodded. Sasuke snorted at his friend's drama.

"Prepare yourself." Naruto grinned. "Next class, we're going outside."


	2. Chapter 2

Fear for them, Physical Education class. sadistic grin

FANfiction, my duckies.

* * *

"Today, my brats, we're going to be studying physical education. Now, I don't know what you were expecting, but I want all weapons dropped in a pile over there!"

Hermione shivered, still not quite used to the manic grin of her new instructor. Dutifully, she and the other students began a pile of 'weapons.' Obviously, their wands went there, but Hermione was a bit startled to notice a bat, various sharp implements, and even more magical devices topping it off. Sasuke, who was sorting through the pile, seemed strangely satisfied to note that more than one person had brought non-magical weapons.

"Good, brats. You were thinking. " Naruto's cheerful voice pulled the girl from her dazed assessment of what on _earth_ her classmates had been thinking.

It seemed like Naruto had read her mind, because that was his next question.

"Will one of you tell my _why_ you brought these to this class? Be honest! In fact…" The blond man nodded at his partner, who then took up a more threatening position, looming over the teenagers and smirking maliciously.

"Take off those black things, and sweaters if you have them on. Strip down as much as you can without being indecent. Sasuke's going to check you for any more weapons, and if we find one on you…"

Stifling a gasp, Hermione glanced around at her classmates and friends. Some looked scared, a few looked baffled, but a few looked defiant. Her stomach roiled a bit when she noticed that Neville, Ron, and Harry were in the last group.

With less embarrassment than either Naruto or Sasuke expected, the students pulled off their extra layers, until the girls were in their skirts and blouses, and the boys were in their trousers and undershirts. Then, Sasuke began his inspection, patting each student down as he searched for hidden weapons.

Reaching up, Hermione patted the bun at the back of her head. The instructors were new; they'd have no idea that she almost always wore her hair down. And why should they have any reason to inspect the ornaments--rather sharp hair-chopsticks--sticking out of it?

Finally, he reached Hermione, who was, unusually, at the back of the group. She noted that every time he'd found a weapon, he'd simply told the student to stand off to the side. About a quarter of the class was in the 'armed-but-not-quite-dangerous' group, including her friends.

Sasuke smirked at her, and she couldn't help but gulp. Though he was completely objective throughout his search, it was obvious why the girls hadn't complained. He patted her down quickly, finding the sharpened pencil in her pocket, as well as the roll of coins. Nodding, the dark-haired man indicated that she should join the other group.

"Wait up! Teme, were you just going to let her get away with that?!" Naruto, who'd been watching the inspection with satisfaction, pointed indignantly at Hermione's hair.

"Dobe, she's the only one who did a somewhat decent job at hiding her weapons; I thought I'd let her keep them."

Ron, Harry, and Neville were staring at Hermione incredulously. She could imagine Ron's thoughts: _She's scary!_ Actually, she noted, the rest of the class seemed a bit impressed as well. The girl sometimes forgot that people who'd grown up in the wizarding world didn't know about muggle gangs.

It wasn't that she'd been a part of one or anything, but she had heard stories, after all. Was it so surprising that she had knowledge of how to protect herself physically? Evidently so.

The teachers had finished arguing by this time, and they turned to face the students once more.

"For those of you who brought weapons: good for you." Naruto nodded happily. "For those of you who kept the weapons _after_ I told you to drop them, extra credit."

Stunned silence reigned, as the young wizards took in their teacher's words.

"As for you!" Hermione almost squeaked as she was singled out. Having the professor's full attention was bad enough in a normal class, in this one, it was just terrifying.

"You get extra-extra credit! If we had been ordinary people, you would have been able to sneak those senbon by us!"

"Um…" Should she really be pointing this out? While she didn't exactly dislike correcting her teachers, Hermione couldn't help but feel that maybe these two should just be left alone.

"Naruto, sir, instead of extra credit, we get points awarded to our house, in fives, tens, twenties, even fifties if it's something particularly good." Whew, neither man looked annoyed. In fact, Sasuke was wearing a thoughtful expression that had made the girls in the class sigh. Again. Hermione cursed the members of her sex. Did they have nothing better to think about?

"We have a mixture of all four houses in this class, correct?" Sasuke spoke for the first time that day as his dark eyes trailed over the expectant children.

"What house do you belong to?" One by one, the students who'd hidden weapons upon their persons named their house. Of the eight, four were from the house called Gryffindor, three were from Slytherin, and one was from Ravenclaw. Sasuke raised his eyebrow speculatively. How interesting.

"Okay, so, um, fifty points for you! And twenty for each of them, how is that?"

Naruto looked way too pleased with himself for Sasuke's taste. So, being the mature ninja that he was, he flicked a small rock at his blond companion.

"Ow! Sasuke-teme! What was that for?!"

"Hn, dobe. You're smiling too much. Let's get started." The dark-haired man smirked in anticipation.

"Okay, listen up brats! We're going to start off by showing you a short sparring match between Sasuke and me, using only hand-to-hand combat." Sasuke's smirk widened.

"After that, we're going to separate you into smaller groups and teach you some basic defense moves. We'll be practicing them for the first twenty minutes of every class from here on out, so don't think you can get away with slacking off, punks!"

Standing at the edges of the courtyard, the students whispered amongst themselves as the two men faced each other, as casual as they could be. Sasuke had his hands in his pockets, while Naruto danced around, 'stretching.'

"Are you done _yet_, dobe? I can beat you in less time than it takes for you to get ready." Sasuke's smirk had evolved into a full-out grin by now.

"Teme! I'd like to see you try it!" A growl, and Naruto launched himself at his friend.

Harry could barely keep up with the movements, if it weren't for the vastly different color schemes the men wore, he mightn't have been able to tell what was happening at all.

Because the point was to show the students an example of hand-to-hand combat, the ninja stayed close to one another, never further than two meters away from one another. The fight was messy, but somehow graceful, with Naruto and Sasuke punching and kicking, blocking and dodging like they knew what the other was going to do before he did it.

Harry swallowed, eyes wide, as Sasuke caught Naruto's fist in his palm. But neither man hesitated for a moment as Naruto twirled around with a backhand. Sasuke ducked, only to hold his arms up to block a kick. He grabbed Naruto's leg and pulled, forcing the orange-clad ninja to the ground. From there, the two men rolled around for a bit before Sasuke finally landed on top.

"Hn, twenty-one to nineteen, dobe."

There was stunned silence and annoyed grumbling from Naruto as the black-haired man stood up. Neither man was even breathing heavily. Sasuke turned to face the teenagers.

"We don't expect anything like that from you, of course, but you can see how useful knowing physical combat could be. Especially against someone who expects you to use magic."

"Now," Naruto had finished grumbling, and his smile was right back in place. "Who wants to volunteer to help me demonstrate the moves you _will_ be learning?"

Sasuke smothered another grin at the look on his student's faces. Perhaps this assignment wasn't as bad as he'd expected it to be. The brats were amusing at least, and if he got really bored, he could always take Naruto up on his constant requests to explore the 'Forbidden Forest.'

"Oh, I know! You, Miss Fluffy-head! You'll be my assistant for now!"

The girl--who's name was, both ninja knew, Hermione--looked cautiously interested. She didn't really like fighting, but then again, she'd have to learn eventually. At least this way, she'd be practicing with someone who knew what he was doing, she reasoned.

"Hey! Don't touch Hermione! She's just a girl; she can't fight!" Ron stepped in front of his female friend defensively. If he'd had his wits about him--which even he would admit he often didn't--he would have noticed the dark aura gathering behind him. As it was, the other students edged away slowly, and the instructors simply smirked.

"What is _that_ supposed to mean, Ron? Are you saying that I can't fight simply because I'm a girl?!"

Ron finally seemed to remember who exactly it was he'd been trying to defend. His eyes widened and he turned around to explain himself.

"No, no, it's just that, well, you can't hit anyone. I mean, girls just don't. Ginny might yell at me, but she'd never…It's just not something girls _do_!"

Anxious to defend himself, the red-haired boy didn't notice the hole he was digging. Hermione's eyes became more and more enraged with every word. Finally, she hauled off and punched him in the gut, causing the boy--who was a good two inches taller, and quite a bit stockier than her--to collapse to the ground with a pained grunt.

The blind fury was just wearing off when she felt an arm slung across her shoulders.

"And that, brats, is what happens when you underestimate your opponent." One arm still on her shoulders, Naruto ground the knuckles of his other hand gently into her scalp in a friendly noogie.

Hermione looked up at him, noting vaguely how blue his eyes were from this close. He was, what, four years older than her? Noticing her blank stare, Naruto winked at the girl. He was satisfied to see, instead of a blush, a slow grin spread across her face. Together they looked at the rest of the class.

Harry gulped, realizing that yes, Hermione was going to be at the top of this class as well as all the others. Glancing wildly around, he realized that at least half of the nervous stares were no longer directed at their teachers, but at their new accomplice.

The torture was going to be worse than any of them had expected, Harry thought, as Ron moaned from a spot near his feet.

"Right. Let's get started."


	3. Chapter 3

**IMPORTANT!** I didn't really mean to copy a piece of **Asuka Kureru's **most awesome fic HARRY POTTER CRACK FICLETS, but when I noticed that I included a situation that looked a LOT like one of hers, I did think to ask and make sure it was alright with her that I use it! So, if you read that fic, and you see something in here that looks a little familiar, no worries! And if you haven't read that fic, you are missing out on one of this site's funniest crossovers. Seriously, it beats mine hands down!

As you know, FANfiction is what it's called, yepyep.

* * *

"Okay, my loves, today we're going to expand on what we did during last class." Naruto's voice was as cheerful as ever as he grinned at his temporary students. Most of them winced in remembered pain, but there were a few notable exceptions.

Hermione, who'd grown up a muggle, had intensely enjoyed teaching her classmates where to hit someone so that it hurt. Harry, the only other muggle-raised wizard, had, unfortunately, been one of those children who knew that he'd be the one getting the blasting if he fought back, and so he hadn't. This had not endeared him to his teachers when they'd dragged it out of him, but the blonde had muttered something about 'repressed rage' and left it at that. It seemed like they had high hopes for him. The only other students to remain straight-faced were the three new additions to the class: Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle.

Sasuke had accepted their papers stoically but had raised an eyebrow when he noticed the animosity between Hermione's group and Malfoy's. (Hermione was the only student Sasuke was willing to acknowledge just yet, no matter what Naruto thought about the scarred boy.)

"We'll do a short warm-up when we get to where we're going. For today's lesson, the wide space we've been given is actually to our disadvantage. Actually, we'll be moving around a lot during our lessons, so don't expect to find us here if you're ever late for class!"

Hermione couldn't help but grin at the thought of anyone coming to _this_ class late. It would have to be a very brave soul. She glanced at the newcomers out of the corner of her eye, noting the dull expressions on Crabbe and Goyle's faces and the slightly suspicious one on Malfoy's. She briefly wondered if Naruto would let her pair off with the younger blonde today before deciding that yes, her teacher liked her enough to do so. It was good to have friends in high places.

"Oi, dobe, stop talking at them and let's go. You can explain as we walk." Sasuke rolled his eyes before turning on his heel and heading down towards…Hermione blinked. Were they heading towards the Forbidden Forest?

"Um, we're going to the forbidden forest for today's class?"

Hermione walked at the front of the group with Naruto. The other students quickened their pace as Sasuke--who was a few meters ahead--glanced over his shoulder at them. Soon enough, Malfoy and his cronies were at the back of the group, uncertain as to why everyone else seemed eager to please these young teachers.

"Don't worry, he's not as stupid as he looks. We're just going to the edge of the forest today." Sasuke called over his shoulder. He then proceeded to dodge the rock Naruto threw at him without even turning around.

"Teme. You're fee to give input about what we're teaching, you know! Do I have to do everything myself?"

"Dobe, this is stuff our Academy teachers didn't even bother to teach us. We learned along the way; I don't see why they should be any different."

"Because, teme, they hired us to teach them. Besides, we 'learned along the way,' as you put it, during sparring sessions with people we could trust. These kids are being thrown into it with even less preparation than we had."

"Speak for yourself, dead-last. I didn't trust anybody."

"Oi, idiot, I was talking about Kakashi, Sakura, and me, not your psycho of a brother. I _know_ you trusted us not to kill you."

"Dobe."

By this point, the group had reached the edge of the forest and Sasuke was leaning against a nearby tree. Hermione watched her teachers with unconcealed interest, though she absently noted the unease with which the other students--particularly Malfoy--were examining their surroundings.

"Um, anyway, Naruto-sensei, what are we doing today?" The girl interjected, figuring that she'd get the information about her dark-haired teacher's past eventually anyway. It would be more fun to know if the rest of the class hear it at the same time.

Sasuke turned his head a bit to hide his smirk. He always knew exactly what buttons to push to annoy Naruto. So what if Naruto knew the same things about him? It was still fun to try to get the best of the other man.

"Listen up, kiddies! No sharp objects today, and try not to break any bones. Spread out in pairs; pick someone you _aren't_ going to be sleeping near. That means no house-mates if you can help it." Naruto tried to look stern, but the ever-present smile on his face simply made him look insane.

"Today, I want you to use your surroundings. Keep within hearing distance of Sasuke and me. Hermione, my sweet, do you think you could work with blondie over there?" Naruto winked.

"Why, of course, Naruto-sensei!"

Malfoy had been feeling uneasy since he's seen the strange teachers, but by now it was bordering on panic. What was going on? He'd missed two classes because of a scheduling mistake, but this was still Defense Against the Dark Arts, right? And the way Granger was smiling so happily at the older blond was not helping.

"Why do I have to be stuck with that mud-blood?!" Malfoy was nervous enough to almost completely miss the way the dark-haired man quietly indicated that Neville should pair up with Goyle and Harry with Crabbe. Ron was off with some Ravenclaw girl.

"Because I said so, blondie." Naruto didn't know exactly what a mud-blood was, but he knew an insult when he heard it. He'd had lots of practice. Staring down at the boy, the ninja couldn't help but notice something.

"Oi, blondie, do you have any relatives in criminal organizations?"

Malfoy's eyes widened as Hermione stifled her giggles.

"W-what?! Of course not! My family is one of the oldest--" Naruto cut him off.

"Right, right, I'm sure. Oi, Sasuke, you remember that dude I told you about? The Akatsuki member who killed Asuma a few years back?"

The dark-haired ninja nodded but kept his eyes on the sparring students. Ooh, that Neville kid had just beaned the larger boy in the head with a fist-sized rock. Another one with suppressed rage, huh?

"This kid looks exactly like him! Well, his hair is more yellow than silver, but I swear! It's freaky how much alike they look!"

Malfoy had to remember to close his mouth, because leaving it gaping open like that went against the few manners that his mother had taught him.

Hermione frowned. "He killed your friend? What happened to him?"

Naruto's grin finally left his face, only to be replaced with an angry scowl. "Wasn't really our friend, he was our friend's teacher. Taught me some stuff too. He was an okay guy. But anyway, Shikamaru--his student--took care of the bad guy."

The girl, noting the green tinge on her sparring partner's face, decided that it would be worth it to ask for a few more details.

"Took care of him? Something you could teach us?"

Naruto shook his head.

"Nah, Shikamaru's family has some abilities that no one outside the clan learns. Besides, I was fighting the dude's partner at the time, so I never actually saw the fight. Dude who looked like the kiddo here claimed to be immortal or something like that, so Shikamaru cut off his head and buried it. Or something like that. Again, I was too busy putting a hole in the other dude to notice much."

Hermione nodded casually, smirking inwardly at Malfoy's face. She knew enough of her teachers by now--she'd taken to coming to class early and leaving late, since she had the time--to know that Naruto was doing the same thing.

"Ah, well, that's interesting, but if I can't learn it, I guess it's no use to me!"

Now thoroughly freaked out, Malfoy looked for his large and intimidating goons. His eyes nearly popped out when he noticed Neville sitting on Goyle's stomach and bouncing cheerfully. The larger boy was barely conscious and with each bounce his breath caught and he coughed. Crabbe seemed to be doing no better, as Harry had somehow managed to get him into the middle of a thorn bush. He was squealing quite loudly, but it was quiet compared to the smaller boy's laughter.

The blond wizard turned back to his opponent, realizing that the ten minutes it had taken for them to talk to the teachers would be made up for in pain. His pain.

"Oi! Hermione, Harry, someone! Help!" The entire class stopped what they were doing to stare at Ron. It was hard to understand how it had come about, but the Ravenclaw girl had managed to tie him to a tree.

"How'd you manage that?" Neville asked curiously, still bouncing. The Ravenclaw girl simply shrugged.

"I pretended to cry. He didn't notice that I did the same thing to my partner last week." She scoffed. "Stupid boys."

Naruto's manic grin was back in full force.

"Hey, Sasuke-teme, is it just me or are the girls totally kicking butt at this?"

Sasuke nodded.

"They grew up with magic in a pretty peaceful time. But no matter how peaceful a society is, there are more dangers for girls. And magic won't be much help if you're grabbed from behind. So, since they weren't training to fight, of course the guys are gonna get whupped by the girls. Girls should always learn to defend themselves."

"My parents wouldn't send me to classes, but I read books on martial arts and self-defense. Plus, I watched loads of movies when I was younger, and I always preferred fighting movies to romances." Hermione said mischievously.

"Add to that the fact that I always had the highest scores in my schools, and you can guess that I had more than one occasion to practice the things I learned from books and movies. The teachers never believed the bullies when they claimed that I beat them up." She giggled, making Malfoy take a step backwards.

Naruto patted her head. "It's hard being brilliant, isn't it?"

"Dobe, you had the lowest grades in every class, and you only graduated because you beat up your teacher."

"Eheheh…" The entire class stared at the blond ninja once more. Most looked stunned, but a couple had calculating looks in their eyes.

"Before anyone gets any ideas, the teacher was betraying our village, trying to kill another teacher and me, _and_ I used the technique I'd needed to pass the exam to beat him up!" Naruto shot his companion a dirty look.

"Darn it, Sasuke-teme, do you really want to be fending off kids wherever we go? Aren't the fangirls enough for you? You need more attention?!"

"Maybe he needs a hug, Naruto-sensei!" One of the girls called out from the back of the group.

"Feel free to try!" Naruto shot back without looking.

"Um, Professor Naruto-sensei, sir…?" This voice was much more unsure, and Hermione was surprised to realize that it belonged to one of the Slytherin students. He pointed shakily to the deeper part of the forest.

Lined up neatly in a half-circle around the group was what looked like every semi-sentient four-legged creature in the forest. They stared silently at the class, from the smallest pooka--spirits of wild animals that warned of danger--to the tallest unicorn. The fully sentient creatures--the centaurs, and others like them, who thought like humans--weren't in attendance, and nor--to Ron's relief--were there any signs of eight-legged creatures.

As soon as they had everyone's attention, the animals moved in a bit closer. Uneasily, the class drew in. Naruto and Sasuke glanced at each other before turning to Hermione.

"Those are magical animals, right? Are any of them known for being dangerous?"

The girl stared ahead, silently listing each animal and it's characteristics. Pookas, unicorns, flying squirrels, vanishing cats…

"Um, none that I can see. Hagrid would know better, but I think all of those ones are pretty tame."

Something growled.

"I mean, friendly towards humans. I absolutely did _not_ mean tame as in like pets."

The two men shared another glance before Sasuke cautiously stepped forward to offer his hand to a big, white, horned horse. It sniffed him then rubbed its nose against his palm.

"Um…"

The dark-haired man glanced at the girl again. "Yes?"

Malfoy snickered, nudging Goyle--who was still on the ground--with his foot.

"Unicorns…aren't usually so friendly, Sasuke-sensei."

Sasuke narrowed his eyes, wondering what the girl was talking about.

"You just said that they were."

"What I meant was…"

Malfoy felt that now was the perfect time to get one up on his new teacher.

"Unicorns only let _virgins_ pet them! Anyone else, they'll run through with that horn!" He announced gleefully. Hermione nodded, embarrassed, and the rest of the class found somewhere else to look.

"Hahah! So, you're a virgin Sasuke?" Naruto's expression was eerily similar to Malfoy's as he, too, casually stepped closer to the animals.

"Dobe, I _know_ that you're a virgin, so why are you bothering me about it?" Sasuke rolled his eyes again.

"Because, teme, you always had people following you around! Literally!"

"Yeah, and so what? At least I'm still a virgin by _choice_, moron." Sasuke smirked as Naruto joined him in showering attention on the unicorn.

"Hey, hey! Did you forget that I spent over two years traveling around with the biggest pervert in existence?! With the people he interviewed for his sick books, I could have gotten laid anytime I wanted!"

"Sasuke-sensei and Naruto-sensei could solve this problem together!" Called out the same girl who'd previously suggested hugging. Sasuke twitched, but again, Naruto didn't even turn around to answer. Judging by his voice, Hermione was almost thankful he was still facing the other way.

"Hey, look, a bird!" And he waved a finger at the back of the class. Of course, this simply made the girl giggle, and he vowed to figure out who exactly she was.

Naruto's indigence didn't really suit the subject, but by this point, Hermione was too amused to care. Stepping forward, she scratched another unicorn behind it's ears before leaning down to pet a flying squirrel. It scampered up her arm before hopping up and flying around her head.

The boys in the class seemed to find the conversation highly entertaining, judging by the snickers.

Slowly, the students spread out, offering their hands for inspection before petting their chosen animals. Naruto glared down at the ground as he continued stroking the magical horse. Suddenly, he grinned, and, knowing that she'd enjoy whatever was coming, Hermione joined him.

"Okay, kiddos, since you seem to be so curious about this subject, let's have an impromptu lesson! You can beat each other up some more later!"

His eyes gleamed as he stared at Malfoy.

"Blondie, come here."

Still unaware of the true evil that inhabited his teacher, the boy shrugged and walked up to him.

"Pet him." Malfoy's eyes widened to a ridiculous size, and Hermione started cackling.

"W-what?!"

"You heard me. Don't worry, I won't let him hurt you. They'd probably make me pay for the medicine or whatever you guys use. Of course, that's assuming he'll hurt you, right?" Naruto winked.

Gulping and glancing around in embarrassment, Malfoy stretched his hand forward and hurriedly tapped the unicorns side. The animal stood complacent, to everyone else's amusement. Of course, that amusement died rather quickly once they realized that Naruto was having _all _of them go up and touch the unicorn.

The unicorn allowed all but two students in the class to touch him, and the two who hadn't been allowed had been warned by his snorting and agitation so they didn't get impaled. Hermione, perfectly content with her virginal state grew more gleeful with each red face. Of the boys, only Neville seemed okay with letting everyone know his status. He actually remained by the unicorn's side and continued petting it while the others took their turns.

"Now, I said 'impromptu lesson,' and I didn't mean just a lesson in embarrassment. Your school seems to have some funny ideas about what they need to teach you. Did they ever go over Sex Ed. with you guys?" Even Sasuke and Hermione looked mortified at this. Was Naruto really going to do this?

Noticing the looks he was getting, Naruto laughed.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to go into any freaky details or anything like that! If you guys have reached this age without knowing anything, then there's nothing I can do to help you."

Quickly and nonchalantly, Naruto went over the basics of sex, both heterosexual and homosexual. Sasuke was surprised to note that the other man, once the unicorns were settled down, didn't go out of his way to embarrass anyone. His explanations were clear, concise, and, as far as Sasuke understood, accurate. The blond man ended with a warning about safe sex, and offered confidential advice to anyone who wanted it.

Of course, this was when Hermione just had to raise her hand.

"Naruto-sensei, how do you know so much about girls?"

Sasuke would have slapped his forehead, if that was the sort of thing Uchiha's did. Purposefully, he turned his attention to the cat in his lap.

"Sexy-no-jutsu!"

He knew that was coming. The dark-haired boy ignored the entire situation--including the horrified sounds from his students--and concentrated on petting the fading cat. As it relaxed, it slowly began to blend in with his outfit, until the only thing he could see of it was a single fang hanging over an invisible lip.

A poof, and Naruto--male and dressed--was back.

"Any more questions?"

The silence only lasted a moment before Hermione felt the need to raise her hand again. Sasuke almost laughed at the glares she was getting from the other students.

"Naruto-sensei, why did these animals come out to greet you?" Sasuke had wondered why it had taken her so long to get around to that question.

Naruto's grin turned even more mischievous.

"Good question, Hermione! You really want to know?"

The girl nodded. She'd figured out right away that the animals were there to greet Naruto but hadn't been able to figure out why, even though she'd spent the entire lecture thinking about it in the back of her mind.

"Well…It's a long story, but basically, there's a strong animal spirit--a demon, if you will--sealed inside of me. Normal animals don't react, but I guess since these guys are magical…"

Sasuke stared at his friend in shock. He'd expected some waffling and perhaps a comment about 'special blood' or something. He hadn't expected the blond man to tell these children the truth. He'd never even told Sasuke the truth! (Which, of course, had led to all sorts of problems because of Sasuke's inferiority complex, but the dark-haired boy didn't like to think about that time in his life if he could help it.)

"Dobe."

Naruto's glance flew to his partner, understanding the other man's surprise. With a small shake of his head, he indicated that he'd explain why he'd told the truth later.

"Okay, well, now, class is just about over. We'll be practicing here again next time." With that, the students began to disperse, except, obviously, for Hermione, who still had a flying squirrel nestled underneath her hair.

"Hermione, actually, I'd like your help with the next class. Do you have some free time this weekend?" Naruto looked at his student expectantly, already knowing her answer.

"Of course, Naruto-sensei. You know how much I adore helping out." The teenager grinned rather maliciously as she gently pulled the small animal from her hair.

"Good." It was Sasuke who answered. "We'll need someone to show us around the village."

The animals headed back to their homes as the three humans smirked at each other.

Teaching was so much fun, Naruto reflected. He didn't know why Kakashi had disliked it so much.

Grinning, he swung one arm over Sasuke's shoulder and the other over Hermione's, turning them back towards the castle. Hermione smiled and peeked over to see Sasuke's reaction. Interestingly enough, he hadn't thrown the arm off, and, in fact, there seemed to be a slight blush on the pale man's face. Her smile widened as she realized the meaning of the blush.

Naruto, completely unaware, talked about his plans for the next class the entire way back to the castle.


	4. Chapter 4

Sorry this is late. My Ghost Hunt fics took over my brain. Plus...these guys just wouldn't do what I wanted. O.o Well, this chapter clinches it: there is officially shounen-ai. Darn it. This was supposed to be general...sigh

For those of you who don't like shounen-ai, this is probably going to be the only chapter where there's anything that you couldn't imagine was friendship. So, yeah, the rest of the fic will be back to being 'I'm not sure if that's friendship' rather than overt shounen-ai. ;-; This was supposed to just be something silly...

* * *

Two blondes stared balefully at each other from opposite ends of an empty hallway. The older one, with bright clothing, messy hair and a casual stance, hummed under his breath. With his slicked-back hair, tight jaw, and perfect uniform, the younger man just radiated tension.

Silently and suddenly, the younger man moved, reaching into his pocket for his wand. But before he could even grasp it, the older man had disappeared and something sharp was tickling his throat. He could feel its coolness tapping against the heat of his pulse. Slowly, he moved his hand from his pocket.

"Hey, blondie, a little cranky are we?" Naruto couldn't keep the amusement out of his voice as he studied the side of Malfoy's face. The teenager had gone even paler than usual and his eyes were practically vibrating from side to side.

"I bet you're just jealous that I know how to use my weapon better, even _if_ yours is bigger. All you can do is twitch it around." Naruto spoke softly into the young man's ear, watching his eyes get rounder and more panicked with every word.

"But I know how to _lots_ of things, blondie, and you don't even want to _know_ what some of my friends can do with weapons. So you'd better be a little more careful about where you point that thing."

Malfoy, who had turned an interesting shade of pale green, made a small sound in his throat. The ninja assumed that it was meant as assent and carefully let the wizard go. In a flash, Naruto was back to his original position, leaving Malfoy to wonder just how fast the older blonde was. Well, he would have been wondering that, if he hadn't already been wondering about the fastest route to his bed.

Naruto smiled cheerfully and bowed.

"Next time you point that thing at me, I'm shoving it exactly where it belongs, got it kid?"

Malfoy could only nod frantically before backing back down the hall. He wanted to run but couldn't bring himself to turn his back on the older man. So, he settled for scuttling back in a most undignified manner, grateful that his lackeys weren't there to see his disgrace. In a moment, he was gone.

"You enjoyed that a little too much." A sardonic voice came from the only window in the hall.

Naruto didn't look the least bit surprised to hear a voice from the window on the fifth floor. He and Sasuke were ninja, after all. They'd gotten practice with windows whenever the nurses at the hospital had blocked the doorways. For some reason, they never understood how Naruto and Sasuke kept escaping while supposedly gravely injured, and neither man wanted to tell them.

"Hermes told me a few things about that guy; evidently he's a rich snob with an old family and delusions of grandeur. I don't like him." Naruto smirked and began walking back to the large room he and Sasuke were sharing. The headmaster had offered a room to each of them, but neither ninja thought it a good idea, since the rooms he suggested were on opposite sides of the castle. As Naruto had answered when the matter was first brought up, they were in a country halfway around the world from their home with no other known allies nearby. No matter how safe their employers said it was, Naruto and Sasuke both agreed, tacitly, that it would be a stupid chance to take.

"Hermes, dobe?"

"Hermione is too long, and she hates 'Hermie.'" The blonde pouted as his friend fell into step with him. He couldn't help it if long names irritated him.

"Why is 'Hermes' so different from 'Hermie?' The dark-haired man smirked, honestly amused by his partner's childishness.

"Eh? Teme, you mean you don't know the story?"

Sasuke sighed. Why on earth Naruto seemed to have this impression that just because _he_ knew something Sasuke knew it as well was beyond the Uchiha. He'd noticed it lately, that Naruto either assumed that Sasuke already knew things--such as the fact that Kakashi was going out with Iruka--or he felt the need to explain them to the stoic man. It was strange, they spent almost all of their time together, and the few hours a day they were apart Naruto seemed to feel that he had to describe. In detail. With gestures and sound effects.

"Fine, dobe, what's the story?"

"Ehehe, well, it's not actually just one story…I met some foreigners when I was traveling with Jiraiya, and they told me about this really old religion from their country." Naruto's eyes had a far-away look as he remembered his travels. Was it really only a few years ago…?

"Anyway, Hermes was the really clever messenger god. He was a prankster, but because he was so charming and friendly and cheerful, no one cared what he did."

"Hn, sounds like you."

Naruto leaned into his friend so that their arms were touching, batting his eyes. "Why, Sasuke! Did you just call me charming?"

Sasuke could feel his face heating for the second time in a week as he felt the blonde's breath on his face. He wasn't really sure how he should answer that question, especially considering how the whole 'speaking-without-thinking' thing was going. Why had his tongue been faster than his mind lately?

And why was Naruto still getting closer? Hadn't he teased Sasuke enough already? Suddenly Sasuke felt his back hit cool stone wall. When had he begun backing up? _Why _had be begun backing up? It was only Naruto, after all, someone he'd fought with for years, winning as often as not.

"Naruto, what are you doing?" Oh, good, at least he _sounded_ calm. Was that a hand on his hip?!

"Can't you tell, Sasuke-teme?" The blonde's voice was husky, darn it, and it wasn't helping Sasuke's thought processing.

"Dobe…" The dark haired ninja barely finished his growl before his lips were captured in a heated kiss. Even if he'd seen it coming, Sasuke was still shocked. Sure, neither he nor Naruto had ever had a girlfriend, but neither had had any boyfriends either. Okay, so there were a few dreams, and a few heated looks, but that was--that was…what was that? If the idiot was doing something like this just for kicks, Sasuke'd kill his friend.

The blonde ninja growled at receiving no response from his partner. Sasuke was his most important person, and he knew that he was Sasuke's, too. They'd been inseparable for years, and attracted to each other for almost as long. Did Sasuke miss the memo that said 'hey, guess what, that's not what you call friendship,' or what? Even Tsunande had made more than one joke about their relationship, calling this mission their 'honeymoon,' and hiding a bottle of lube in Sasuke's bag with a note on how to use it. (It really was lucky that they weren't rooming with anyone else.)

Finally, Naruto got tired of Sasuke's surprised stillness and broke the kiss. "You know, it works better if two people are involved, moron."

Sasuke growled again, pushing Naruto off roughly, wondering again how he'd been pushed up against the wall. "What was _that_, loser?! Was that some sort of prank or something?"

Naruto growled, rolling his eyes. "Stupid teme…C'mere." And with that, the blonde ninja dragged his friend into their room to talk.

* * *

Hermione sighed, wishing that the two part-time teachers hadn't been stuck up in the farthest tower from the Gryffindor rooms. That, or that there was a better way to communicate with them, without forcing the teenage girl to walk up six flights of steps. _As much fun as Naruto is_, she thought grimly, _next time he wants to talk he can come down!_

It wasn't even like there were interesting portraits to talk to up here! With another grim sigh, Hermione finally came into sight of the door to her teachers' apartments. At the sight, though, she stopped. Something was…odd. With a startled blink, the girl realized what it was: the door was slightly ajar. This made her suspicious, since it was, after all, a pair of _ninja_ she was visiting.

Quietly, she crept closer, barely breathing and stilling her body as the blond man had instructed. Sasuke had immediately snorted in derision at the thought of Naruto, of all people, teaching stealth. That had caused another one of their verbal sparring matches, which might have even ended up in a physical fight if they hadn't been in the main dining hall eating breakfast at the time. Hermione loved the fact that they ate with her, even if they still scared the other students.

At the door, she paused, closing her eyes and straining her ears. After a moment, her eyes popped open and her cheeks flared a bright red. _Oh! Alright then…_Hermione paused to think, wincing as the noises in the room became a little louder. Should she interrupt them and attempt to have her discussion with Naruto? He was the one to tell her the place and time, after all, though he'd obviously forgotten about her.

Another loud…noise decided her. _I'll just whine at Naruto over breakfast tomorrow. He wouldn't be thinking properly anyway, I'm sure._

Turning to go, she suddenly remembered something and grinned. Then, she chuckled to herself, not caring that she sounded a bit mad. "Well, I guess I can tell Ron and Harry that I've won the bet, then. It's too bad Neville didn't join in…"


End file.
